so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
