Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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