Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
