I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
