I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
