i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
