Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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