Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
