So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize