My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
