O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
cat food counts as protein by the way
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
