I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Boobs are out for the taking
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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