What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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