Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
