I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
