The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
