i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i was born a porn star she said
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
