Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
