Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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