I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
