Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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