i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
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