Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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