Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
