I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
