I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
