Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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