i just wanna soil my oats bro
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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