I accidentally had phone sex last night
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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