Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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