her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
