Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Alive.
So much puke
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
