Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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