she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
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Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
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I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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