all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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