My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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