Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
