So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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