I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
