Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
