So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
