I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
