now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
