It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
