She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
