I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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