How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
