is your mom at the bar?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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