just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
