I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
