I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
