I will die if light touches me.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
