woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
