And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
