Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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