Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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