I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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