if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
